flush

Oh Julia

2012-02-06T01:19:00.000-05:00

the way i lead my life, being the sadcase that i am, is that i am always getting myself into these situations which are either quite dangerous (bak kata orang cam ambik cangkul gali kubur sendiri) or deadly embarrasing (makes me feel like mengangkat cangkul).

yesterday the bu was playing with my hair, all usap2 like. and i went, "hey, cari uban ke!" which of course started an actual uban search. super, just super. he went, "u ade uban ke?" and belum beberapa seconds berlalu pun he's suddenly all, "a'ah la ade ni satu! cabut eh?"

oh noes.

but of course i, being the face of calm and cool, just suavely took the plucked half-uban from his hand... like cewah la kan. padahal dalam hati tu, tuhan saje yg tau! Eee!

Keep on dancing till the world ends...

2012-02-05T23:12:00.001-05:00

Tolerance is a strong word. But not as strong as 'understanding'. Kesefahaman, now that's real hard to get. If you're a tolerant person, you'll get by, but you may not be happy with things. Understanding is the first real step towards acceptance, peace, redha... Possibly even love. We need more of it in this world.

Note: Oldtown at Bangsar South... purdyy. This post was written while I was still high after my cuppa here. White Coffee Hazelnut... sedap!

On the go

2012-02-01T11:19:00.001-05:00

Cuti di pertengahan minggu meant i spent the whole day wisefully catching up on sleep and "me-time" (which is just me sleeping plus lazying, if there is such a word, in my room alone). Spent e-time with the bu. we exchanged high school pics and his first reactions were "HAHAHA" and "Sebijik cam tomboy" then kept asking if i was really one. Pada saat itu i guess mmg ada hikmah disebalik kejadian, the age gap, and that we didnt meet in school and didnt know each other when we were young. I wouldve carried a bat on the lrt on the way to school just so i could have a swing or two at him.

One of the words i hate most is 'ayu'. I hate the way some people would drag on the 'uuu' part. Ha, barulah ayuuuuu. Wipe my barf. The thing i hate second most is when someone snorts and looked at me like an idiot when i said something that might sound stupid while asking questions when im trying to learn a new concept. And makes fun of my accent. Nasib muka aku tebal and i consider u a good colleague. Walaubagaimanapun, hikmah disebalik kejadiaan ini ialah, i'll feel challenged and would never let that happen to me ever again. Whats worse than feeling stupid is feeling stupid and bimbotic at the same time.

But people are people and when you work you do have to learn to not take things personally. Easier said than done of course. Lord give me strength.

i rasa kalau i package and jual you as panadol, sure laku

2011-12-15T08:49:00.001-05:00

i have a cigarette burn at the back of my right hand. there were a few others but they were minor and had already disappeared, leaving this the only one. lets call it a cederahati. i want to report domestic abuse!!! although of course... technically, it was sort of my fault... kept flailing my arms around with gay abandon. o well. i guess it's only fair since i kept on stepping on his toes. my poor boy.

hmm... trying hard to stop myself from typing geli-geli things on here. so lets focus on work, shall we? i picked up my offer letter today. finally! took MC leave (yes, i AM actually sick) and braved the traffic. bandar utama... not my cuppa tea. although i did get a gloria jean's chiller at Maybank next door, off all the places! how cool is that? a coffee shop in a banking branch. a chiller to erm, soothe my aching throat. genius move really, got me hacking and coughing like nobody's business. still am. uhuk uhuk! read: bunyi batuk realtime.

ah and what did the letter say? "You will observe working hours as may be determined by the company from time to time" kool. i feel like an agent already. yknow... i'm trying to make this sound casual, but believe me when i say i nearly died waiting for them to tell me if they're accepting me or not. sleepless nights, yo. mandi tak lena, tidur tak basah and so on and so forth.

so another big, risky move for 2011...

risks.

"hey, it's been a year. what do you think so far?" came a question out of the blue last night... and it started one of the most meaningful conversations i've ever had in my life. now all i can do is... eat pray love (pinjam movie title kejap please)

*rewinding my mind tapes*

2011-11-21T07:00:00.001-05:00

I really want to watch the Tigers tonight but am already falling asleep as I type this. oh... wait.. the news reporters are wearing our yellow striped jersey... with their serious news-reporting face on... haha SO cute!

death flea

2011-11-14T07:17:00.001-05:00

i'm bipolar.

(self-diagnosed)

today start off as moist chocolate indulgence triple layer brownie ice-cream with lots of whip cream on top, but then all that turned into shit by mid-afternoon. then it was sunshine for a while, but heavy rain came with thunder soon after.

i go through these highs and lows like nobody's business.

at first i thought today's interview went well, but as soon as i calmed down dark thoughts start to appear and i ended up thinking i plain sucked.

key points:

1) 'revolutionary' thoughts will only come to me waaay after I start thinking about something. this is bad, especially for on the spot problem solving.

2) emotions control me, and i have a one track mind. eg, i fell off my chair today because i was so focused on my after-meeting type-up. how lame is that? losing physical control just because you're occupied with something else that's not even supposed to consume major brain power... eg. #2, apparently i left my handbag in the office bathroom once... and i was totally oblivious to the fact until a coworker informed me. and i thought she meant i just left it on my chair. until today, when another male coworker asked me about it again and told me the whole story... *dies*

3) i need to develop street smarts. my next interview will be with gangsters, or Ram Mohamad Thomas. or both. if RMT isn't fictional.

4) i need to stop being socially awkward. either that or stop caring about being socially awkward.

5) i misplaced my phone again only for it to be found by one of the head of departments... *dies again*

i want to squeeze you so so hard

2011-11-12T09:56:00.001-05:00

recently, i bumped into a blogger at my hospital. we didn't bump into each other literally, thank God for that! it was more like a scene in those hindustani movies where you're in an elevator and you see someone you wanted to say hi to, but shazamm that's when the elevator door decides to close lah kan.

except i didn't really want to say "Hi!" to her. i've read about her working at a hospital somewhere, but i didn't expect it to be where I worked. i liked her blog because of it's down-to-earth quality & honesty, and erm, her boyfriend stories used to crack me up. dengan cornynya, i used to think, "bestnya kalau macam ni!" *okay cue nervous laugh*

anyway, for some weird reason, she's always smiling. OKAY before that i just wanted to say, i bukan stalker sangat tau! cuma it's a very small hospital okay, so you're always seeing the same people over and over. plus, you know how once you noticed something you've never noticed before, you'll start seeing it more and more? eg. guys with six packs okay okay that's not really a good example.

oh yes, and if anyone can guess what i do at the hospital... i'll give you free kisses nah! nak kan nak kan? dah ah, xyah ah. i bet nobody in this world would be able to guess. but, i'm currently learning how certain biomed machines work, meeting people who sell them, and reviewing hospital brochures for the tests that they do. yes please stop yawming. but surprisingly, i find it quite easy to bear. i kinda like it even, despite having sworn off jobs that are related in any way whatsoever to my field of study.

HOWEVER, in the future, they also want me to review papers, contracts etc and make corrections in case the english used is a bit, erm, Singlish-ish which is super awkward really, especially when you take into account that these things are written by people with years of experience in the industry. yes and let's face it, i'm no Lit major. sometimes i'd feel like i'm butting-in too much... and it really sucks when they insist that they're correct (i'm never in the right mood to debate on the correct usage of 'the' versus 'this'... buy you guide book one can lei? i myself sometimes dunno horrr)

in short, i don't know if i'll stay with the company. i passed a 2nd-round screening recently for an interview with the corporate panels for this one media group. it's a 360 turn from my field, but the pay is significantly higher. am yet to decide how much of a money-whore i am, will definitely have to wait and see first whether the group would take me in or not.

i was emo a bit because of this. it's really hard for me to ask for leave to go for these interviews, and i feel guilty each time i think about it, because my boss is really putting in effort to train me now. i mean, i'm even getting a new flat-screen desktop for pete's sakes. kononnya lah, but still.

the one silver lining from all this is... my ultimate realization of how good you are at cheering me up and calming me down, which is really amazing considering i never even told you about my being upset about things in the first place. tapi agak creepy siot, it's like you have ESP. looks like now i'm going to have to dream about edward cullen tapi versi yg diphotoshopped kan with your face... hehe.

video yang sumpah tak ada kena mengena (sikit):

battle of the broke

2011-11-08T07:33:00.000-05:00

today i paid rm100 for a return-trip taxi ride, because my mom doesn't believe in my maneuvering techniques. that area is really foreign to me. i'm used to dusty, ancient kl with its big boy buildings but this seemed like a very cluttered map out of nowhere. and that's why you should travel folks, to renew your perception. even a 30minute journey into the unknown would make a world of difference. (but mothers aren't always right. i'll give you that.)

my trip was for an interview/screening process with this media-monopoly company. i wouldn't have ventured to that side of the world had it not been for this thing. went through aptitude tests and talking activities for the assessment. i'm not sure how i feel about my performance. or about the company. they're trying to be "young and hip" with an "open-minded" spirit but to me it doesn't feel genuine. somehow the smiles seem forced, and you still feel like you're being treated like a kid. emotions aside, it's a stable company that's been doing really well for a long time... so i guess we have the malays to thank for their love of tabloid (nothing wrong with that... BUT).

most people think that this would be a positive learning experience for me, but i think they're biased. semua ni anak buah mr. scrooge! herein lies the injustice, how come people who are in the business of saving lives makes less than those who aren't? reflect on that, all ye good people. or better yet, make a hit movie out of it! (i'm not a doctor btw)

2011-11-04T23:10:00.001-04:00

"life is but a dream," jason mraz's friendly voice accompanied me during the traffic jam today. driving 40km/day, 5 days a week now. i can't wait to see what my gas will total up to at the end of the month, yay. yeah... i now have to do cash-flow spreadsheets, hello adult life.

i started work recently, and was focused, interested and motivated to be in the industry until a fateful phone call came one day. it's just for a follow up interview to something that's gonna make my cash flow sheet look bearable, but now i can't stop thinking about it. you know in that way like it's at the back of your mind all the time. now i feel... stuck. at my desk with no cubicle and ancient pc that still runs office 2003, which means i can't open those pptx files and the like. im putting up with it because my colleagues have all been working there for more than 2 years and they seem fine with it. a girl with 8 years' worth of experience has her desk behind mine and she's cheerful like nobody's business. probably because of a bigger paycheck.

anyway, the industry is such that if i stay, i'm going to have to force myself to learn mandarin and cantonese basics. and change my disposition. gosh i can't even force myself to smile sometimes. funny because i've been happy and content and sociable for most days, till after noon today. like an auto-emo switch was turned on after lunch. hormones? coffee? hot coffee made in vending machines can't be good for you, by the way. but they are RM1 and the portion's just perfect for me.

as usual, i've had so many things to say, but by the time i've got free time to jot them down, i'm too tired to think back my thoughts. so freewriting it is from now on.

- written last night before dinner

No regrets

2011-10-23T09:47:00.000-04:00

saturday ended way too early, way too fast leaving me wanting for more. it was just safe and comfy-feeling and boy i didn't want to go home.

okay, back to reality. right. i will start the new job at 9am sharp tomorrow. they'll only let me leave at 6pm, so i hope i won't feel like wanting to do anything else by then. no matter what, i chose this, so no regrets. i'm going to make it happen. starting from the very bottom.

thank you God for the people you've given me in my life.

quickie

2011-10-19T22:54:00.001-04:00

Mum said "What the hell" in the car while I was driving her to work today, and if you know her, that IS funny. She was on debate-mode, very heated stuff on the PPSMI, so don't play-play ah. I went Fu-Yoh! and we laughed. Now on to the PPSMI, if you don't know what that is, then you either don't have kids or you're no longer in school. I still think it effects all of us, (please make use of our dear friend Google) I mean we're talking about future human capital for our country here in the next 10-20 years!

Sure, the VVIPs may be making significant economic contributions, but please, don't let the majority of the Majority's children suffer. They are already handicapped by the current education system as it is, so it's high time for those Up Above to start focusing on implementation based on all the research already available at your finger tips! You pay your people to be smart, to come up with all these ideas, but refuse to listen to them.

And out of all the things, you are pointing fingers at Bahasa Malaysia itself. How brilliant. Any language can go far, IMO, but it takes a lot. Look at Japan or Korea. You'll die if you don't speak the language.

There's so much I want to say but I have to go out in 3 minutes! Today is also my Mama's Birthday... and contrary to popular belief, or my previous posts, I do love her very much... haha. Wish me luck, I'm trying to find an apparently quite rare Secret Recipe mango cake.

Also, one of my close friends have warned me of all the fleeting moments in a relationship. Before you gloat, say, of the cuteness or adorableness of your love interest, take note that the happiness and that feeling is fleeting and once it's gone, it's gone...

But you know what I think?

Well you don't and you wouldn't know in this entry anyway. I'm out of time fellas. Bye!

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

2011-10-16T10:20:00.000-04:00

This post is going to be emo, full of drama, possibly nauseating, and what else? Oh yeah. And full of shit. Well, maybe. Depends on what your take on 'shit' is. I'm writing this at the height of frustration, anger, sadness and insanity, and I'm not going to bother with making anything private. So if you know me in real life...

Oh, life. Good 'ol circular life. Circular as in, that whole circle of life thing. You're supposed to learn from life, aren't you? I don't know what I've learnt from life, really. Because there is contradiction at every corner. How are you supposed to learn anything? So people, they mostly just end up choosing paths, or creating their own path. Well, that's those who are allowed to choose. There are those who for some reason can't choose, and they are stuck. That's what I think anyway. And sometimes, I wonder if these are the kind of people that go crazy. That, or maybe they end up getting cancer. That's what one of the country's top motivator said anyway. Unhappy people get cancer. Then he cracked some jokes and I laughed, but at the same time I'm thinking, boy, I'll end up getting cancer.

You know he also said, that the mind acts on these mental pictures you get, which were triggered by your verbal thoughts. I'm sure you knew this already, right? It's nothing new (yet he get paid to thousands to tell you things you can just wikipedia). To put it simply, the more I say I'll end up crazy with cancer... the more likely it'd be for me to end that way.

Shit, I am really negative, really. I can't help it, I've been trying to trick myself into being this cheerful, positive person for so long, I just can't do it that well at times anymore. I burst. Like half an hour ago, when I was cutting oranges for my parents and then I just had to leave the kitchen because the water tanks just exploded.

That's how bad it was, we were having a debate and I can't even hold myself together. And I was just about to say something bratty like, "You want me to be an adult yet you are treating me like a child" but was so emotionally consumed from all those years of trying not to argue, that I just burst. Into tears. Wonderful, really. And I was cutting oranges. Because mid-argument, my dad asked me to. Cut oranges for him. Mid-argument. I was trying to dish out all these serious factual stuff... but I guess Dad just don't think that much of me, (still a baby) didn't care much about what I have to say, when I'm finally trying to be honest. Hey, cut me those oranges, why don't you? And maybe you'll calm down a little, see light and agree to live your life how I've planned it, okay?

Sometimes, I wish I can do that, you know. I think of my religion; of those kids in Africa; of people like Nick Vujicic. And I wish I can install that program, AnakSolehah 2.0, with lifetime automatic upgrades, somewhere deep, deep inside my soul. So they'll be happy, because I'll be what they want me to be. I'll act how they want me to; I'll live up to their hopes and dreams. I really do.

I don't know. Maybe I should find someone to hypnotise and brainwash me into obedience. That's the only way it'd work, because I am beyond repair. I act "macam pandai" and "tak bersyukur". I "get carried away and get all these ideas". Because all that effort, the 20-something years it took, all that money, that sweat, that love, it would be a pity, a total waste to just flush it down the stinking drain. Taktau lah, maybe I should search for a hypnotizer on mudah.my, ada tak?

"Great," my dad says. "It's up to you," he says. "Just that if you don't take this job, be prepared to stay at home and do nothing."

No, dad. First off all, if it's up to you, it's not up to me. And second of all... that last thing you said just killed me. You want me to do it, and you don't trust me to get a job on my own. You think I'm so far up in my head that I don't even realize the economy is bad (even a three-year old knows this). That I might not get the same opportunity (even a three-year old knows this). Well I don't know, did you know that all I want to do right now is to run away from home? Yeah, maybe I'll get killed in the process, but maybe that's fate (even a three-year old knows this). Maybe I won't and I'll just barely live. But maybe I'll survive. Give you back all that money, maybe more. Damn I want nothing but that to happen. To feel like I've grown the fuck up, you know.

I'm trying to, but this whole damned entry is so pubescent its giving me a headache. So there you go. I don't even have to take those stupid Facebook quizzes. You know like the ones which will supposedly tell you your 'real' age. Hey, you're 24. Man, you're 110. Whatever. It's clear that I am 11, 12 at max, although I look 32 and my IC age is younger than 23. There you go. One of the circles of life in my life. Of feeling competent, and incompetent, full of hope, and hopeless at the same time. A series of negotiations I started and kept on losing at completion of a circle.

I'm beginning to doubt myself more and more. Maybe all I'm good for is cutting oranges, my own parents don't even have that trust in me. And maybe that's cause I'm really 11, 12 at max. And now I just want to throw away that degree, because you know why I did it? Because Dad wants me to. And I'll just stay at home, and do nothing. Except for crosswords and sudokus, to keep my dying mind alive.

And why I didn't mention Mom, and what she said, was because that's exactly what she said. Nothing.

Nothing.

If only I could label this as fiction slash nightmare.

shit shit shit

2011-10-03T11:45:00.000-04:00

yesterday i had a lovely meal.
but.

the brain was up up away in space. and the heart was skipping every few beats. reflex at the speed of a lethargic sloth.

half replies were given
and stuff that should've been said wasn't.

things that needed to be done weren't.

oh sayang nya. as in, menyesal tak terkata.

don't you just hate it when you receive an sms. with haha's in it, but you no go haha when you read it? you know don't you. and you hate it too. well i think i sent a few of those just now.

i just did.

you are so thoughtful when i am not.
oh, sayang nya. as in...

so you hate one of my fav bands

2011-09-30T01:09:00.001-04:00

You lack the things
To which I relate
But I see no harm

Come wait, come wait, come wait
It's over.

One...two...three...do me

///

guinea pig

2011-09-27T06:34:00.005-04:00

Noun

1. A tailless South American cavy (Cavia porcellus). It no longer occurs in the wild and is now typically kept as a pet or for laboratory research.
2. A person or thing used as a subject for experiment.

Source

i have two fat guinea pigs. i love them to death but all they think of me is - "the hand". i am literally the hand that brings all kinds of piggy treats ranging from carrots and spinach to mahal as cuss "dental care" critter pellets . so they get excited and squeak and squeal and jump around in anticipation of treats whenever i poke my hand in and wiggle my fingers through the cage.

sometimes i ask them, "is that all that i am to you? the hand?" and i poke my hand in but all they do is just get excited and squeak and squeal and jump around in anticipation of possible treats.

sometimes i think of my mom as the birthgiver and my dad the insurance & protection plan, and then there is a certain someone who's like a psychoactive drug.

at times i anticipate their presence and whenever they are around i would squeak and squeal and jump in excitement.

i love them to death too but sometimes i wonder what they might think of me.

unfortunately

2011-09-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

so here goes

2011-09-23T02:16:00.001-04:00

back at this space which i had previously use to spew my thoughts without a care in the world... which i've missed. although... reading my previous posts made me cringe (as always) and so they have been deleted.

- the job search has been a humbling experience... (more on this later)

- i am still jobless (LOTS more on this later) but then again i just graduated so... leklu! yea tell this to my parents, bless them.

- so i am now a part time nanny to my youngest brother, since the 2nd brother has now started his semester at med school. we're quite tight (me and the youngest) but sometimes i feel like i'm on MTV's Boiling Point. if you think i'm manja or spoiled (which i'm not) wait till you meet him!

- it's 2011 and last month i turned 22! woot. looking back though... man, 2010 (till mid-2011) was mad crazy. now this year (although dah nak akhir tahun dah) i hope to handle myself with a lil' bit more swag. according to some people who think they know me well, "u ni menggelabah lah! tak sabar betul!" which is quite true. but then sometimes i feel like, kalau dah diberi bulldozer, rempuh je la kan?

okay, so the bibik has finally arrived, and i am free to go out use the printer at the CC. urgh. dah lah unifi problematic... still have love for the world though. cheers